The Bidirectional Approach

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My daughter was six years old when she came home from school with a stash of miniature Almond Joy candy bars. This was just a couple of days after Halloween and she dumped them onto the kitchen table in front of me.


“These are for you, Mommy!” I was totally elated since Almond Joys were my fave but at the same time I was confused as to how she was able to get so many.


“I told my friends that my Mommy needs Almond Joys,” she beamed.


Apparently her classmates gave her every single Almond Joy that they had. Oh how proud she was to present me with this gift. Oh how thankful I was that my daughter loved me so. And oh, how guilty I felt that her poor friends had to dig through their hard earned Halloween candy to meet her demands.


Anyway, my daughter, who once idolized me, just turned thirteen. Some strange transformation has occurred over the last couple years: she no longer feels the need to seek praise from me, let alone heed my every word. Once children enter into their tween and teenage years, they no longer see their Mommies, or excuse me, their Moms, as perfect. Instead of thinking that everything we say and do as parents is amazing, they start to treat us as if we are some weird breed of alien. Our children now have their own thoughts and opinions. They will often disagree with us and can be quite vocal about it. We must come to terms with the fact that they are individuals, separate from us. We not only need to respect that, but also support that! Of course, our children still need to follow rules and respect us as parents. Therefore, in order to maintain that balance of trust and respect, we must maintain effective communication with them.

Listen. Be respectful. Remain positive.

To communicate effectively with your child, remember to listen, be respectful, and remain positive. The “because I say so” or “do as I say and not as I do” approach, doesn't really work.

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 Children model their parents' behaviors. In order to keep a healthy relationship based on trust and respect, parents need to take more time to hear what their children have to say. Really, this seems difficult because we think that our children should always listen to us because we are the parents and they are the children. However, we have to keep in mind that they are entitled to their thoughts and opinions which may often differ from ours. If we don't accept them as unique individuals, they will not feel comfortable with sharing their feelings or concerns with us. They might assume that their parents don't truly care since they are not respected and regarded as individuals. If we want our children to respect us, we have to respect them first. We have to model this behavior by listening to them and giving them respect. Finally, we must stay positive. Our children may tell us things that we don't necessarily like or agree with, but it's a good thing that they are sharing and communicating with us. They feel a sense of security in knowing that we are there to help them if they ever have any issues.


Of course, as young teenagers, our children may not want to hear everything that we need to tell them. They will seem to think that our words are annoying and sometimes make no sense marked by the occasional confused look and exasperated “okaaaay, Mom.” Nevertheless, it is key to understand that as parents, our job is to continue to love, care for, teach, and guide our children even if they stop worshipping the ground that we walk on.

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