Culture and Parenting

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In my previous blog, Parenting Styles, I mention Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Tons of controversy surrounded Chua's book as many people disapproved of her harsh authoritarian method of parenting as a Chinese-American mother. Personally, I can understand some of the cultural differences related to parenting. I was raised by an Asian mother and an American father. Both of my parents were strict and loved me very much. They just had completely different ways of raising me. My mom can be categorized as the authoritarian parent who expects no less than perfection. My dad can be classified as the authoritative parent, who has high expectations but at the same time understands being perfect isn't everything.

Now that I am a mom, I can appreciate both types of parenting styles and can understand that culture has an influence on the style of parenting. The ideals and values that were instilled in parents are then passed along to their children. Both of my mom's and dad's parenting methods entail high expectations and standards. However, their value systems shaped the way that they raised me.

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As a part of my mom's Asian culture, it is expected that children will succeed in school. This value is so deeply embedded that it can almost be described as second nature for children to follow through with their parents' expectations. The idea of family and community takes precedence over the individual's needs. It is considered shameful to oppose this belief. Therefore, children more readily conform to the demands of their parents as this is considered the cultural norm. In the article, Do Asians Push Their Kids?, the authoritarian style of parenting doesn't seem so harsh.

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Representative of the culture in the United States, my dad emphasized the importance of people being recognized as individuals who have their own ideas, thoughts, and opinions. He liked to hear my input and ideas and encouraged me to be creative. The goal was to celebrate freedom and the significance of being an individual. As a result, the value of independence impacts the type of parenting. The authoritative style proves more effective since parents respect the space of their child while upholding their principles.

I only understand these differences from my own personal experiences growing up in a culturally mixed household.

Do you think that culture impacts the way a parent raises their child?

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Parenting Styles

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Growing up, I experienced different methods of parenting. My mom disapproved of any grade less than an A, no discussion about it. Not to mention, no talk about boys or other teenage issues. Just basically do well in school. On the other hand, my dad loved praising my efforts and told me that it was more important to be a well rounded student. He also liked to talk with me a lot. But don't get me wrong, he was strict too. Just more understandably so. Although my parents did not agree with one another's style of parenting, I know they did the best they could.


Now that I have my own kids, I can understand both perspectives. However, it is difficult to implement both. My mother, would probably have been classified as the authoritarian parent. “Do as I say, and that's it."  My dad would have been categorized as the authoritative parent. He kept the lines of communication going while making sure that my brother and I followed the rules.


In the article Children of "tiger parents" develop more aggression and depression, research shows, Kim Wong Keltner criticizes the authoritarian method of raising children. Referencing Amy Chua's “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” she claims that this particular style can make children feel as if they are living in a kind of “emotional jail.” Keltner responds to Chua's book “Tiger Babies Strike Back” emphasizing that children are not robots but actually have feelings.

The three categories of parenting styles developed by psychologist Diana Baumrind are listed below.

The Authoritative Parenting Style

The authoritative parent encourages the child to think independently and play an active role in decision making. This style of parenting helps to build a high self esteem and teaches the child responsibility. The parent provides a warm and nurturing environment while expectations are clear and rules are consistently enforced. The parent is responsive to the child and acts immediately to the child's needs. In this environment, the child feels comfortable and feels a sense of security. Also, the authoritative parent is very involved and is aware of who the child's friends are.

Authoritarian Parenting Style

In contrast to the authoritative style of parenting, the authoritarian parent does not provide a warm and inviting atmosphere. This parent employs a technique that is more demanding and harsher than that of the authoritative parent. The authoritarian uses power over the child to achieve results, as opposed to supporting the child's sense of autonomy.

Permissive Parenting Style

The permissive parent is warm and involved with their child's life. Unlike the authoritarian, the permissive parent respects the autonomy of a child. However, they choose not to exert any control over the child. Permissive parents are not demanding, do not follow through on their discipline, and ignore misbehavior .Which method do you think is the most effective way to raise children?

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The Bidirectional Approach

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My daughter was six years old when she came home from school with a stash of miniature Almond Joy candy bars. This was just a couple of days after Halloween and she dumped them onto the kitchen table in front of me.


“These are for you, Mommy!” I was totally elated since Almond Joys were my fave but at the same time I was confused as to how she was able to get so many.


“I told my friends that my Mommy needs Almond Joys,” she beamed.


Apparently her classmates gave her every single Almond Joy that they had. Oh how proud she was to present me with this gift. Oh how thankful I was that my daughter loved me so. And oh, how guilty I felt that her poor friends had to dig through their hard earned Halloween candy to meet her demands.


Anyway, my daughter, who once idolized me, just turned thirteen. Some strange transformation has occurred over the last couple years: she no longer feels the need to seek praise from me, let alone heed my every word. Once children enter into their tween and teenage years, they no longer see their Mommies, or excuse me, their Moms, as perfect. Instead of thinking that everything we say and do as parents is amazing, they start to treat us as if we are some weird breed of alien. Our children now have their own thoughts and opinions. They will often disagree with us and can be quite vocal about it. We must come to terms with the fact that they are individuals, separate from us. We not only need to respect that, but also support that! Of course, our children still need to follow rules and respect us as parents. Therefore, in order to maintain that balance of trust and respect, we must maintain effective communication with them.

Listen. Be respectful. Remain positive.

To communicate effectively with your child, remember to listen, be respectful, and remain positive. The “because I say so” or “do as I say and not as I do” approach, doesn't really work.

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 Children model their parents' behaviors. In order to keep a healthy relationship based on trust and respect, parents need to take more time to hear what their children have to say. Really, this seems difficult because we think that our children should always listen to us because we are the parents and they are the children. However, we have to keep in mind that they are entitled to their thoughts and opinions which may often differ from ours. If we don't accept them as unique individuals, they will not feel comfortable with sharing their feelings or concerns with us. They might assume that their parents don't truly care since they are not respected and regarded as individuals. If we want our children to respect us, we have to respect them first. We have to model this behavior by listening to them and giving them respect. Finally, we must stay positive. Our children may tell us things that we don't necessarily like or agree with, but it's a good thing that they are sharing and communicating with us. They feel a sense of security in knowing that we are there to help them if they ever have any issues.


Of course, as young teenagers, our children may not want to hear everything that we need to tell them. They will seem to think that our words are annoying and sometimes make no sense marked by the occasional confused look and exasperated “okaaaay, Mom.” Nevertheless, it is key to understand that as parents, our job is to continue to love, care for, teach, and guide our children even if they stop worshipping the ground that we walk on.

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Parental Involvement

Growing up with two working parents, each with two jobs, certainly had its negative impacts on me. It was nearly impossible for my busy parents to take off of work for every back to school night, orientation, and teacher conference. Forget about accompanying me on field trips. Bills had to be paid and our family needed to eat.

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I was working full time when my son was attending kindergarten and my daughter was only two months old. Immediately after work, I had to beat traffic so I wouldn't be late picking up my kids from the babysitter's house and after school care. Otherwise, I would be charged ridiculous late fees. Then, I had to cook dinner. By late evening, I was too exhausted to even think about attending a PTA meeting for crying out loud. I experienced mixed feelings of guilt and annoyance when the teachers begged for volunteers. My work schedule simply did not permit me to come in during the school day. Even worse, I started getting notes that my son was misbehaving in class. I could definitely empathize with my parents at this point. At the same time I knew that I had to figure out some way to get myself more involved with my son's academic life or he would negatively be impacted as well.


No doubt, many of us as parents face all kinds of barriers that prevent us from being involved. However, we have to make the effort, no matter how difficult.

• First, it is important to maintain some sort of relationship with your child's teachers. Let the teachers know that you can be contacted if they have any questions or issues. Don't worry about bugging them, it is better than not contacting them at all. The teachers will know that you care about your child and will contact you if there are any concerns.

• Make yourself visible to the teachers, school staff, as well as other parents and students. It can be difficult to attend back to school nights or orientations, but by being visible will show that you care about your child and his or her achievement. If your work schedule doesn't allow you to take off during these events, find out about other early morning or after school activities that you can get involved in. There may be fundraisers that take place in the evening or on weekends. Attending these events keeps you in the know and is great for networking with other parents.
  

• Continue to keep in contact with teachers. If your schedule prevents you from attending a parent-teacher conference, send the teacher an email, write a note, or even call the teacher explaining your circumstances. The teacher will try to work something out and may adjust their schedule to accommodate yours.
  

• Set aside a specific time at home to help your child with homework. Yes, this can be difficult if you are working in the evenings. However, try to work with your child's schedule so you can be there to help at least a few times a week. If the child needs help with a specific assignment and you are unable to help them for whatever reason, then find out what resources the school may have. Sometimes there are tutoring programs in the school, or the teacher may have time during the week to help students with their homework. Schools are aware that parents cannot help their child with every assignment and naturally don't want their students to fail. Many schools have scheduled in class times that focus on homework help. The weekend may also be an opportune time to go over any questions on homework that the child may have. And once again, if the child needs more help than you can provide, call, send a note, or email the teacher and let them know the circumstance. The teacher will more than likely help you find a solution since they also want your child to succeed.
  

Remember that our kids grow up so fast. The time that we invest in our kids now will greatly benefit them in the long run.

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Transitioning into Middle School

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When my son was getting ready to start middle school, I remember breathing a huge sigh of relief. I thought that I could take a step back and allow my twelve year old son the space that he needed as a growing adolescent. He was no longer the little boy that once loved playing with Dragon Ball Z action figures or riding his bike through our neighborhood for hours. He was getting older, more mature, and a

little more independent. My son certainly didn't need me to look over his shoulder anymore.

Scratch that. Once I attended our back to school night orientation, I was proven wrong. I sat there amongst

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a sea of parents and listened to the assistant principal tell all of us about how crucial the transitional stage
into middle school was. He stressed that instead of distancing ourselves from our kids, we should pay much closer attention to them. Our kids need our guidance even more during their adolescent years.

It is important to understand that these young adolescents are venturing into an unknown territory. They have left their comfort zone, a place where they have been accustomed to the same building and people, for the last several years. Not to mention, as young teenagers, they are undergoing physical, hormonal, and emotional changes. Self image and socialization becomes the focus, adding to the pressure to be academically successful. Suddenly, these young teenagers are expected to act like young adults, which may be a sort of culture shock for these kids who were just recently coddled as elementary children. Naturally, the children have to learn to be more self reliant, as this is a part of growing up. However, the sudden adjustment can be a little jarring and often not so simple to handle, as parents may assume.


One way to start dealing with this transition is to help prepare your child for the first day of school.


Here are some tips to ease your child's anxiety:

• Start by sitting down with your child and having an open conversation about his or her questions, and fears, as well as expectations for the upcoming year. An open dialogue is key.

• Before the first day of school make sure that your child has all necessary school supplies, and that his or her school lunch is prepaid. These things seem very simple, but are very essential. They are more self conscious during their early adolescent years and should not have to worry about not having paper and pencils on their first day of school.

• Familiarize your child with the new school. Attend the back to school orientation, or schedule a time with a school staff member so that your child can practice his or her schedule a few times. If possible, take one of your child's friends with you. They can learn the map of the school together, which will make it a fun experience.

• Have your child practice using the combination lock of his or her new locker. This will be one less thing to stress over on the first day or week of school.

• Meet with teachers as an icebreaker. Getting to know the teachers will ease that first day stress and anxiety. This will also give you an opportunity to exchange contact information so that you can stay in touch with your child's teachers.

• Again, keep the lines of communication open with your child. This can be a shaky transition for your growing adolescent and it's important to be there if any issues arise.

I hope that these suggestions help!